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The Good Life star Felicity Kendal has laid bare her grief, following the death of her partner of 50 years.

Kendal, 77, first met Death of a Salesman theatre director Michael Rudman in 1979, when he was directing her in the philosophical comedy, Clouds.

Rudman died last year, aged 84, after a series of health problems, including a heart attack, bypass surgery, hospitalisation with Covid, and breaking his back. The director required full-time carers in his home in the last two years of his life.

“If you must know, it has been f***ing shit,” she toldThe Times.“People say, are you OK? Of course I’m not. He just f***ing died on me.

“Some days I am very good. Sometimes not so good. Mostly, I am getting through. Stupid things set me off. It’s very strange. You can’t tell ahead what it’s going to be.”

Things that the star said “set me off” include reading certain poems that remind her of her husband, watching romantic-comedies, buying eggs, and listening to Bob Marley (as the couple enjoyed reggae music).

“Or I think of calling out, ‘I love you,’ around the house,” she continued. “We were always saying that out of habit — if one of us was going out or off to bed early — but he’s not here. Those things suddenly remind you that you are a ‘one’ now, not a ‘two’. That is a huge difference to take on board. It is hard and it never really quite goes away.”

The actor played quick-tongued housewife Barbara Good, on popular British sitcom, The Good Life. However, the loss of her husband has brought out a side of her that she is not used to.

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“I have cried a lot, which is quite unlike me,” she continued. “When someone dies, it’s like a boomerang. The emotion is gone, out of sight, then whack — it hits you again. Unexpected things get me. Often it is just people being nice, or someone else dying. I am at an age when an awful lot of people are dying.”

Although she is continuing to process her grief, Kendal admits there are certain things she is still not ready to do.

“I have thousands of emails from Michael but I’m deliberately not looking at those,” she said. “And he sent me a sweet voice message from the hospital. I can’t listen to that, not just yet. But I’m not deleting it.”

Speaking on the culture of “stiff upper lip with death”, Kendal urges that “it is good to talk about these things”.

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“People avoid it or say things like, ‘I’m sorry you lost your husband.’ I actually hate that,” she said. “It’s as if you have lost the cat. I haven’t lost Michael; he is dead. We are all at one point or another going to have to deal with similar things, so let’s be open about it.”

Speaking about his final days, she says her husband was “quite angry during the last month. He wanted to go on forever”.

However, she was grateful to be at his hospital bedside when he passed away.

“I hear such pain from people who would have been ‘there’ but for the bus or for making a cup of tea. It can be a burden, so I was just very, very grateful. It is the wish everyone would have.”

Kendal married Rudman in 1983, but the pair divorced in 1991 following a series of marital problems. She began a relationship with playwright Tom Stoppard, but gradually got back together with Rudman eight years later. The couple never remarried but had lived together ever since. They have a 36-year-old son, Jacob.

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