Simon Calder, also known as The Man Who Pays His Way, has been writing about travel for The Independent since 1994. In his weekly opinion column, he explores a key travel issue – and what it means for you.

Life. Dreams. Magic.

Were you to create a word cloud based on the destination slogans on display at the annual World Travel Market, these three would be writ large – as I discovered while touring the travel trade show and assessing the marketing messages.

It is easy to snipe at ludicrous claims such as “Emotions are Georgia” and invitations to “Live your second life in Rhodes”. So, as a service to the travel industry and to illustrate why I was never cut out for a career in marketing, I will prescribe a few alternatives.

Georgia – and dozens of other countries, from Scotland to Colombia – could instead try a very simple: “Mountains. Beaches. Culture. Gastronomy. Friendly.”

Moving west, Rhodes and every other Greek island could go with “Land of Mythos” – a reference to my favourite beer in Greece.

Staying in Europe, Andalucia insists “No joy in life is small”. Yet the southern Spanish region is full of small joys, such as the complimentary tapas that still accompany drinks at bars in Granada. “Joy in a range of sizes” would be nearer the mark.

Further south, the Canary Islands insist they are located at the “latitude of life”. I can think of many good reasons for returning to the archipelago, including the fact that they are halfway to the equator for many Brits, but I can confirm the existence of life at many other latitudes. “Fairly close, very sunny” would work for me.

Kerala goes for not one but two claims: “God’s own country” and “The magic every day”. Really? I was lucky enough to explore the southern Indian state in 2019 and recall simply “Good experiences every day”. No need for magic. And I advise steering clear of the Almighty in matters of travel, in particular slogans along the lines of “If God did holidays…”.

“Incredible India” itself has merit in being concise and a fair comment. But right now prospective travellers are facing Incredible Delays getting visas after the government in Delhi decided to exclude British holidaymakers from some favourite winter escapes by barring us from the eVisa.

Thailand should, for now, forget “Amazing new chapters” and instead choose “Unlike India, we’ll make it easy for you to get here”.

China remains resolutely closed to tourists. So I was surprised that the Ministry of Culture and Tourism in Beijing decided to send a small contingent to World Travel Market tell us the nation is “Beyond your Imagination”. It’s certainly beyond our reach.

A near neighbour invites people to “Imagine your Korea”. Actually, I’d rather the people in tourism HQ in Seoul painted a picture for me. Or just said “Korea: Ancient and Modern”.

Every now and again at the ExCel-based event I was struck by a line that was actually pretty shrewd. Flanders, the Dutch-speaking portion of Belgium that includes Antwerp, Bruges and Ghent, is “State of the Art”. Fair play.

It was in the hinterland of eastern European and central Asia (which, conveniently, are only about 20 metres apart in World Travel Market geography) that words lost all contact with reality. Some examples:

Weirdest of all was the branding from the Republic of Srpska. It’s a strange land created at the end of the Yugoslav civil war, comprising the Serb-speaking areas of Bosnia-Hercegovina.

On the map of the Balkans, the region resembles two disconnected jigsaw pieces. On the destination’s modest stand the message was “Nothing much, but much more”. I sense this might be the smartest of all. I have now vowed to travel to the capital, Banja Luka, next year to see how the reality measures up to these five words.

Also in 2023, any destination that wishes to may use my all-purpose slogan: “Where is nowhere?”

You’re welcome. Which, come to think of it, isn’t a bad tourism message either.

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